This is the last talk in my Discipleship series. The talk Discipleship: Children and Unbelievers precedes it.
I mentored another neighbor on Coldwater Drive. His name was Fred. My wife and I visited his home the day he arrived. He opened the door and met us. His middle school daughter and elementary school son looked on. He had suffered a recent divorce and was moving out with his wife and moving in alone, renting the home next to ours, sharing the kids every other week. We interacted periodically, when our common fence fell down, when we mowed our respective lawns, or saw each other drive to work.
One day Fred invited me to a local college’s football game with his friend. I came and got to know both of them better. Fred wasn’t a Christian but was interested. He taught history at a local middle school. I don’t remember why the conversation got here, but as the conversation progressed, Fred lamented, “I wish I knew the Bible better.” And I replied, “I’d be happy to help you know the Bible better.”
For over two years, I came once a week to Fred’s home and taught him the Bible. We covered an Old Testament survey written by my friend, Finny, from college. Then, we skipped around in New Testament books. He grew in understanding. He particularly enjoyed his history study overlapping our Bible Studies. But he never committed hard; he never denied himself to follow Jesus. He started dating a woman who later came to live with him. He finally asked me to cease coming. He preferred to spend his evenings with his girlfriend.
Now, I know I’m just one part of Fred’s full story. He may be walking steadfastly with Jesus today. However, his growth was nowhere near Micah’s, Philip’s, Matt’s, or Jonathan’s — the four mentees featured in my first four talks. They have incredibly encouraging stories, but not all mentee stories go that way. This talk is entitled Discipleship: Evaluation, covering what to do when your mentee relationship becomes strained.
Here are some common warning signs that your mentee isn’t fully engaged with you. First, your mentee begins regularly canceling, he’s probably not as invested as you. But observe carefully before drawing that conclusion. Matt canceled regularly with me, but his frequency of meeting was almost exactly every other week. That showed he still wanted to meet, but he just couldn’t make weekly meetings. In that case, it’s best to acknowledge the busyness and drop the frequency of meetings rather than dropping them altogether. However, if the cancellations are extended, your mentee isn’t as invested as you. It’s best to talk to him about it. Probably, the relationship should reduce to simple friendship. But be open; there may be other reasons. Second, if you requested preparation and your mentee doesn’t prepare. This shows not as much investment. If he still keeps appointments, he still wants to meet, just not as deeply as you wanted. I recommend meeting your mentee where he is. Acknowledge it was too much and back off. Philip said he wanted to match my devotion schedule, but after a few weeks, it was clear the memorization portion was not for him. We discarded it but continued meeting over the reading. Third, your mentee may not be growing in the faith. He’s still stuck with a specific sin, he’s not living more righteously, or he’s not practicing Christian disciplines. This is a tough one for me. I bear with it for a while. I pray, I counsel, I share my experience. But if he persists, I usually reduce the relationship to a simple friendship. He wasn’t interested in progressing. Remember, you’re not the only one involved in your mentee’s growth. You’re giving him back to God to draw him further later.
Initial goal differences can also set a mentor/mentee relationship off. My wife discovered this with one of her mentees. Her mentee was in high school with few friends. She became a mentee more for friendship than wanting to grow in Christ. I’ve found this too. I’m a very successful engineer. Men admire me and desire my friendship, so they naturally assent to a mentor/mentee relationship, hoping to secure a friendship. They aren’t really interested in growing in faith. It’s hard. I’m glad people want to be my friends, but we can’t start a relationship with different goals. I think it’s best to communicate clearly before the misunderstandings grow and cause pain.
A lack of full engagement may not be your mentee’s fault. It may be yours. Here’s an excerpt from my 2024 Christmas letter.
“Since college, I’ve mentored men. I’m proud that nearly half are doing well: ‘rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness (Colossians 2:7).’ However, that trend broke poorly this year. Of the five men I started mentoring since January, by May, only one remained with me, and he wasn’t doing well. Some Christian friends tried to pacify me, claiming it was a sign of the times or the harder mentees I now had. But I knew that ‘he who abides in me . . . bears much fruit (John 15:5).’ There was a problem in me, and I studied long.”
When your mentoring lacks fruit, analyze the cause. Sometimes the cause rests mostly with the mentee. However, when your mentoring persistently lacks fruit, like my case with five men, the cause is probably you. Seek the Lord in prayer. Study the Word. Ask other mentors’ counsel. Look for the cause. Here’s how my Christmas letter paragraph concluded.
“The cause was disturbing. Since my divorce, I had grown in kindness and gentleness. I easily pulled in new mentees. However, that kindness and gentleness was a grandfatherly, cheerleader, you-can-do-no-wrong kindness and gentleness. It wasn’t the kindness and gentleness of Christ: ‘Neither do I condemn you . . . go and leave your life of sin (John 8:11).’ And to grow like Christ, I needed to add hard-truth to my kindness. After experiencing deep rejection, it was hard to skirt rejection again. But if we love deeply, mentees know our hard-truths are for their healing. ‘Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds (Hosea 6:1).’”
This conclusion came from prayer, thought, and discussions with fellow mentors. It’s hard to admit you’re lacking, but it’s better to admit it than deny it when it’s true.
I want to particularly emphasize two parts of this failed fruit story. First, abiding Christians bear fruit. This is a Biblical principle Christians rarely take seriously. I suspect we’re afraid of the implications. Yet, Jesus spoke it, and we need to listen to it. You are Spiritually gifted people, capable of accomplishing much, because the Spirit of Christ abides in you. When you don’t accomplish much, there’s a reason. Identify it and correct it. Perhaps you’re doing ministry where you’re not gifted. Perhaps you’re reaching out to the wrong people. And perhaps, as much as you don’t want to admit it, you’re not abiding in Christ.
Second, notice twice in my story I mentioned other mentors. I regularly talk with two other Christian mentors: my friends Tom and Finny. If you’re careful, you can trade ideas and experiences without gossiping. I’ve found their counsel sustaining in tough mentee situations and encouraging in easy mentee situations. Surrounding yourself with peers gives you a network of accountability and encouragement for your task. I highly advise it.
Finally, don’t be discouraged from mentoring if you’re found wanting. I’m so glad you’re trying. It’s better to try than not try at all. Learn from your mistakes, and move forward. That’s the definition of growth.
“Then he told them many things in parables, saying ‘A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and scorched the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop — a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear.” (Matthew 13:3-9)
If you just chose anyone to mentor, mentoring would be much like the Parable of the Sower: some seed falls on the path, some falls on rocky places, some falls among thorns, some falls on good soil. Failure in growth would be normal. However, you are limited in time. I think in mentoring you should try to choose mentees who seem to be good soil, where your efforts will yield good fruit. That’s why I start with such a high call — at least a weekly Bible Study. It ensures the mentee starts with genuine and intense intentions and weeds out the half-interested. What about the others — lukewarm Christians, worldly Christians, those enslaved to sin, or even the lost? We still love them, befriend them, and share the gospel with them. We just don’t mentor them until they are ready and want to be mentored. We know they want to be mentored when they willingly assent to the cost and their life demonstrates genuineness in that desire.
In all mentoring and discipleship, there comes a time to stop mentoring or discipling. Sometimes, it’s for poor reasons, like my relationship with Fred. Sometimes, it’s for practical reasons. Graduation separated me from Micah. Philip moved far away. Jonathan married and moved out. Sometimes, it’s for good reasons. Matt’s growth made him a peer, and he didn’t need to be under my mentorship. Try to end the relationship on good terms, usually a simple transition to friendship. Your mentee sees you as an example of Christ. A nasty transition can leave him with a poor opinion of Christ. However, a good transition can leave your Christian example as a witness long after your mentorship ceases.
My mentoring and discipling work has gifted me with many friendships. I constantly feel overwhelmed with how many people want to see me and how many people I want to see. Too many friends is a good problem to have. I look forward to my time in eternity, where I will have ample time for them all.
As these talks end, I challenge you to disciple. Jesus called you to it, and there’s great reward in it. Serving Christ is what life’s all about. To God be the glory!